Still Facing The Fear

Hi guys and girls.  Its been a month since my last post and thought it was high time i filled you in on the latest goings on in my rock and roll life (sarcastic? me??)


Well, the fitness classes have kind  of taken over.  Ive been going 3 or 4 times a week depending on Nathan really.  I feel huge guilt when I'm sorting his dinner and sometimes rushing a bath, all so i can leave him for an hour.  But i am loving the classes.  Im hooked on powerhooping which is just great fun.  Body attack and Body pump are now regular and Ive tried a few others to.  This Sunday i am trying Bokwa, which judging by YouTube clips, i will find impossible, but will provide a good laugh.


The classes are my 'time out' from mum duties.  My friends go all the time and its provided me with some sort of social life.  People tell me i should use my time off to just sit back and relax, but i would feel too guilty getting my mum to watch Nathan just for me to laze around.  And so i nip out for an hour where i sweat my a** off, struggle to breathe and catch up with the girls.  For me, i love it.  Where Nathans concerned, i kind of struggle to find the balance.  I don't like leaving him too often and i feel less guilty on the nights where I have no classes, but i tell myself that mum needs some time out too.  On an anxiety level there have been highs and lows at classes.  Powerhooping has become such a favourite that i would hate to miss it.  I know in the past when i have missed something, then maybe missed it again, it has been really difficult to go back to it, if Ive gone back at all.  And so im probably quite uptight about it.  The fact that i WANT to do it so much, just makes me more nervous in case i fail.  But ill work on that and hopefully lighten up. 


Ive mostly felt fine when i know I'm going to a class at night, but of course there's been the odd time where I've thought about it and felt nerves kick in.  Ive visualised the drive there and imagined all sorts of panic attack scenarios.  But Ive stayed determined and kept on going.  It does get easier to ignore those thoughts with practise.  There have also been times in class that Ive felt a bit floaty and out of sorts.  A feeling I've had a lot through anxiety.  But i try my best to ignore this too.  To breathe and relax myself.  I know that should i HAVE to... i can leave.  But Ive never done it.  Also with classes being so busy, some with over 100 people, the car park can get pretty busy.  I always park in a place where i can get out quite quickly, but last night i got stuck behind a big queue of traffic.  I had a brief 'arrrrgghhhhhh i don't like this i don't like this' moment.. but i took a deep breath and it passed.


Also Ive been picking my friends up and dropping them off which has added to my journey.  For some this might be normal practise.  But to an agoraphobic, that extra responsibility and pressure can make you more anxious.  Yeah its hardly pressure but i don't have the option to just ditch a class and run should i panic.  I have someone else to think about that i cant just abandon.  I'm trying to embrace these little challenges as they are little examples of ways i can help myself grow and improve.  As always the thought is way worse than the reality.  Of course Ive wondered if i can actually make the journey to my friends house or will i have to explain that I'm freaking out and run.  But the reality is i calmly make the trip while we chat, and if i do get nervous, it is very brief and no one would have a clue.


The weather here has been pretty shocking and there have been no signs of summer at all.  This isn't so good for Nathan and I. And my forever crappy car is off the road, so its been a tough month regarding us getting out together.  We have mostly played in the garden or gone little walks.  I do get the use of my dads car from time to time so its not so bad.  Nathan has his play dates and we visit family so he is kept entertained.  But i suspect that from now till he leave home, ill always wish i could do more.


I don't think I'm selfish with regards to Nathan and what i want for him.  I could be a blubbering wreck if i really let myself be dragged down by thoughts of what i 'should' be doing for him.  I do feel terrible when i hear about people taking trips with their kids.  And i have a horrendous guilt that he doesn't do some things because of the way i am.  For example, his little play group he was going to, well i would only go there by car.  And since that's off the road, and mummy cant walk that distance, he has missed his group.  Sometimes i can brush it off and tell myself hes too young to even notice.  But there are other times when i feel utterly dreadful.  If he had a 'normal' mummy he would still get to his group.  We'd just walk it! But I cant focus on that.  I need to be positive.  If i was to dwell on the things i CANT do instead of what i can, id drive myself crazy. 


As long as Nathan is happy, i will be grateful for that.  And so last weekend i could have been sad when his dad took him to the beach, but instead i was just pleased that he was getting to the beach at all.  His first time on sand.  His first time seeing the sea.  And i missed it.  I could be really cut up about it, but I'm more thrilled that Nathan go to go there and he had an absolute ball.  I wont let anyone tell me that ill never take him to the beach.  I just couldn't go that day, and maybe not in the near future, but never say never!  There are a million and 1 'firsts' that i have been there for and i plan of being a part of millions more.


Today was a day where I had use of my dads car.  Id heard of another playgroup that would suit Nathan and decided i should give it a go.  Its a bit further than I'm used to driving, but only because i don't get the opportunity to practise like i did in the past.  I felt fine knowing what was in store.  I knew the route i was taking and i felt pretty confident about the trip.  In fact looking back, i didn't once consider that i might not make it.  Sheer determination had taken over and i was going there no matter what!  My classes are quite good because although i might be nervous at first, I'm soon jumping around and following instructions, and so I'm distracted and before i know it the time is up.  It was the same with the last group i took Nathan to.  It was so filled with activities, that i didn't have time to think about how i was feeling, i was too busy.  And so today i found it more of a challenge.  Today's group was more your basic mother and toddlers set up.  A big hall (eeek) filled with toys, and chairs round the sides for the mothers to sit and watch.  Where was my distraction?  My mum had come to and I think that's probably what helped me get through the first 10 minutes.  Yeah i thought i was going to be OK, but when i was greeted with this huge room and basically was just to sit still, my mind went into over drive.  'What if i cant make it out to the car', 'What if my legs don't work when i stand up', 'what if i want to bolt, that would be so unfair on Nathan', 'i hate this feeling, i want it to pass now. Ive had enough of this crap'.


Its not even that far from home! 10 minutes drive tops.  But its probably because i was out of practise.  I looked at Nathan playing with the toys and told myself that this is where i wanted to be.  I told myself i was not moving.  I would find distraction!  I took myself over to Nathan a few times and played with some toys, i read signs on the walls, i went to the bathroom lol.  Just walking around instead of sitting thinking, began to help.  I had a cup of tea, tried to chat with mum, all the while my head was screaming and my legs were like jelly.  But i kept on going.  I told myself to stop it, i took big calming breaths and told myself that nothing bad was going to happen.  Worse case scenario would be that id panic, but even in the most horrendous panic attacks I've never been left completely immobile!!  Id get to the car and be ok!!  Soon i realised we'd been there for half an hour and my anxiety began to subside.  'You did it' I thought to myself.  Nathans played, hes had his little breakfast with friends.  Hes enjoyed himself, and if you really wanted to leave now, it would be a bit soon, but it would be ok.  Knowing that the pressure was gone (pressure i had completely put on myself, no one else had done it) well i relaxed and enjoyed the rest of our time.  I stayed about an hour and a half in the end.  And surprise surprise, after all those horrendous thoughts of panic attacks in the car etc, i drove home completely calm and content. High 5s all round.  The only way this is going to improve and i am going to relax easier is by doing it more and more and more.  And so ill be going again this week.  Tonight I'm wiped out.  No doubt that's got something to do with this morning.  Anxiety and facing up to it is pretty tiring stuff!  But isn't it worth it.  I think so x

Like Attracts Like

Hello lovely people, how are you all?

A very positive Lynn here, things are going well :)

Ive stuck to my previous plans as described. Doing more and getting back out into the world again. Taking Nathan to his play groups, on play dates with friends.

Also instead of ruling out new friendships with the usual mindset 'I wont pursue this friendship as i wont be able to do the things they want', i am opening myself up and letting things happen naturally. I'm not putting the walls up and pulling away. I'm remembering that I have something to offer people, and that if they are going to be part of my life they will accept me as i am. And i am hopeful that i will be doing more and more and breaking more barriers may they be related to anxiety, habits or relationships.

No doubt i have been in a 'rut', whether that is down to my old habits of avoidance and playing it safe, or if its partly down to being in a baby bubble and all consumed by motherhood, i don't know. But i can feel myself moving beyond this now and i am very excited.

New friendships are suddenly happening with several people from all different areas in my life. Some I've met through Nathan, some Ive met through friends i already have and some completely out of the blue and its really lovely. This in itself give me a confidence boost and adds to this feeling of 'growth' that i have. Does that make sense? I really feel like I'm growing as a person on so many levels. I have a strong sense that i am moving away from my old way of life into something new and much more fulfilling, and i have this feeling in my gut, like there's a little light burning, and its just getting brighter.

Ive made myself reconnect with lots of people and stop hiding away. I'm in touch with a much larger group of people now and through this have started to get more involved in their plans. My closest friend has recently had a baby and has gone on a huge health kick. Shes joined the local gym and has been going to classes most nights. I used to love the gym and just before Nathan was born i was pretty much hooked on keeping fit and went to the odd 'body attack' class. Back then it wasn't about losing weight, but more about enjoying the natural high that i gained through exercise.

I missed this part of my life. The first year of a baby being born is pretty crazy. Its absorbs your whole being and normality pretty much goes out the window. I always knew as Nathan got older i would slowly get back into things but its amazing how quickly hes grown up. To me hes still brand new! But the reality is hes grown up so much in the last 15 months and im slowly emerging into a life where i can actually do something for me. Don't get me wrong, i could have done this before but just didn't have it in me. Again, this could be for many reasons, but now seems like a good time. Nathan goes to bed at 7.30 and so from then on, the night is mine. He very rarely wakes up so i have the odd hour or 2 to spare if I'm not completely wiped out. So when my friend suggested i joined her at a class, i agreed.

It was quite strange going through the usual bedtime routine, knowing that i was going out once Nathan was asleep. Change in routine can unsettle anyone and i definitely had an uncomfortable feeling in my tummy. 7.30 is usually when i start to wind down. That's when i flop onto the couch and mentally shut down. But instead i was throwing on sports gear and getting ready to go HULA HOOPING for an hour! Yes... Hula Hooping!

I drove to the Sport centre myself and met the girls in there. Mentally taking note that only a few short weeks ago i wasn't comfortable with the drive there. And 6 of us took on a 'power hooping class'. The class itself had about 25 people involved and although some of the girls were a bit nervous, i was actually feeling ok. Even better when i realised i could actually hula with the best of them. We had a really good laugh and when i left i was buzzing that i had gone and done it. Because there were definitely a few times before hand when i could have pulled out and just flopped in front of the tv instead.

Since my days of 'body attack' classes id been hearing more and more about Zumba and had decided i wanted to give this ago too. So 2 nights later i was throwing on the sports clothes once again and off to take another class. Again we laughed our heads of as this crazy instructor put us through an hour of madness!! We were a sight to behold trying to keep up with her. But its not so much the classes i have enjoyed. Its just getting out there and having some time for me. Being with the girls and destressing. But of course the natural high you gain from exercising is obviously doing me some good. After only 2 classes im aching to get back and to be honest i think id be going much more if it was possible. Ive found myself driving home afterwards and thinking 'awwww i dont want to go home yet, i want to stay and talk!!'. Theres not really much time for talking when your shimmying around with a hulahoop or doing salsa. But i cant wait for the next class. I might also think about seeing the girls in another setting but we are all mummies and it can be quite hard to arrange.

There have been a few tough challenges like going into a supermarket i hadn't been in for a while. I chose the longest queue to stand in and its the most anxious i have felt in a long time. I did really struggle with negative thoughts and a few times really wanted to bolt. But i stayed put. Running away is not the answer. That's how all the avoidance crap starts. So i stayed and shook and wobbled and sweated until i was finally served. I wish i could say i was buzzing afterwards, but really my wee legs were trembling and i just walked away feeling a bit exhausted. I guess on a positive note i could have chosen to go home right away but instead i opted to drive the long way home. Not quite sure if i could handle it, imagining it going wrong, visualising full blown panic but of course none of that happened and it was just another little experience to add to my 'Oh look you thought you would freak out and you didn't' pile!

This experience was closely followed by driving out of my comfort zone only for my car to break down. My unreliable car grrrrr. Id been driving around for an hour with no problems, went into a shop and when i came out and started my car, it wouldn't go. Luckily i wasn't alone, but i still got a bit nervous. Having experience car troubles before i thought i needed a jump start. So i was looking around for another driver who might be able to help me. Nope no cars in sight. Hmmm ok (heart pounding). I thought over my options. I could completely lose the plot and panic. Or i could deal with this rationally. So as a distraction i got the jump leads set up on the car so that should a car appear i was ready for action. (Heart pounding). A women arrived in a car YEY!!! Well she didn't seem to keen on helping and acted like she was in a bit of a hurry. I was a total inconvenience but to be honest i didn't care. She was in a borrowed car and couldn't work out how to open her bonnet. So i climbed in and looked EVERYWHERE. This women was my way of escape. Her car was my saviour!! But could i open her bonnet? No i couldn't. And so i had to tell her just to go. That was hard haha. Watching her drive off. So i called for a taxi. Waiting while your on the edge of panic is so not easy, but i figured i better do something and knowing a ride home was on the way id keep it together. So i waited and i waited (heart pounding, head racing). Oh bugger this i was imagining running to the shop and asking where there toilet was. Bolting into it, shutting the door and freaking out. But instead i just calmly walked in and asked if there was perhaps someone who could help me. After much chatter between men about what could be wrong with the car (HURRY UP ARRRGGHH), they decided i just needed them to push it. So they described what i was to do (keep the clutch down, stay in second gear and when they shouted go... take my foot off the clutch. A bump start basically) Well when your a bag or nerves, coordination isn't that great but we did it. They got me going and as i drove off i seen my taxi arriving, oops, but there was no going back. On reflection i did actually stay calm, although on the inside i was screaming. Also its a good experience to add to my pile. Ok the car broke down and you coped, and you would cope again.

An unreliable car does limit what i do in some ways. I'm not too keen to try anything major in the fear it happens again, but once its fixed ill lose that nervousness.

And so that's about all i have to tell you. I am completely shattered these days and blogs etc have been neglected but i get round to it eventually. I'm am looking forward to tomorrow and next week and basically just accepting all the good things coming my way. Like attracts like doesn't it, and so I'm happy and positive and buzzing. Lets see what happens x

Agoraphobia Survey

Hi guys. I was contacted by a student who needs help with an agoraphobia study. If you have a few spare minutes i would be grateful if you could give your input. Its completely anonymous and only a few questions long. Thanks http://www.surveymonkey.com/s/8CBJQ8B

Fall in love with life again

I got a lovely email the other day from a recovered agoraphobic. After telling her story she said she has now fallen in love with the world again, and i can totally relate.

Ive said before that if you've suffered panic/anxiety/agoraphobia, i think it makes you a far more patient, understanding, APPRECIATIVE person and i stand by this. I remember when i was at my very worst, i would have given so much to go a simple walk. Something that most people will take for granted. And although i wouldn't wish this condition on anyone, i do feel quite lucky that i appreciate the simple things, and that i definitely fall in love with life all over again.

Im back on track! After the hospital episode i gave myself a good shake and started to work harder with my issues. One thing that had riddled me with guilt is that I wasn't doing enough for Nathan with regards to play dates and other social activities.

Well i found a suitable class and told myself we were going. I was nervous and many times could have backed out but i was adamant that we were doing it. He deserved it and i needed it! I told myself to stop putting it off, if i just DO IT, i will be happier, I'd feel less guilty, ill be getting myself out and mixing again and a ton of other reasons.

So the morning of the class came and my little legs were like jelly. I was on and off the toilet all morning and generally just wanted to call the whole thing off. I took the journey in stages. If i just made it to the building i would decide then if i could actually go into the class, but just get there at least.

Well i got there and entered the building. The class was at the back of the building AND up the Stairs (Typical, no fast escape route) but we did it. The room was filled with gym equipment and other fun things for Nathan. Slides, swings trampolines. He was so excited and running about crazy wanting into anything but the class does have a structure. So firstly we all had to sit in a circle, about 30 of us, and sing songs, do actions etc. Then free play where the kids choose from a massive toy box, and finally they are let loose on the equipment. Since Nathan is so small i had to take him round the circuit helping him. It was more of a work out for me than for him but this was probably better. If i had been sat at the side watching i would have had time to think, but instead i was so preoccupied with that i was doing i was totally distracted. There wasn't one point in the entire class that i felt nervous. I didn't want to run. I loved it! I was so proud i had got there and took Nathan myself. No one else. I wasn't relying on anyone else for a change and i was buzzing. I got to watch my son and play with him and i loved every minute of it. Don't get me wrong, when i first went into the class my legs were ready to give way on me, but i kept on going and soon forgot about the nerves. Nathan had an absolute ball and i told the women running it that we would be going every week from now on.

From there i had to meet my support worker and due to my confidence boost i went a huge drive. We went further than i have in the last year of meeting her. We went into shops, i casually browsed the shelves and then drove the long way home. She was impressed and i was buzzing.

The entire day PROVED once again that i can do it. That Ive wasted so much time sitting worrying and imagining the worst. I was actually annoyed with myself for not doing it sooner but i cant change that. For whatever reason, i didn't do it before but there's no point dwelling on the past. I can just concentrate on improving the future.

Its hard to break out of your routine. To do something different, especially when the thought of it makes you nervous. But when you do it the rewards are so worthwhile. Pride, happiness, a self of achievement, confidence. And from there it changes your future too. Since that day i literally lost a ton of guilt and i also lost a lot of the fear id built up since Nathan was born. When i was almost rid of my agoraphobia before i had a certain way of thinking. I was always positive. I frequently told myself 'I'm doing this, and so what if i panic. If i do i will cope'. And in that one day my thinking has become far more like that again, much more confident.

With a huge amount of fear gone i have been driving more and more. Walking further with Nathan. We've been back to the class, and will continue to go every Thursday. And i set all sorts of play dates with lots of other mothers. Nathan and i are meeting a lot of new friends. This means driving to new houses where i am not familiar and maybe not too comfortable, but i keep on going. And ill be setting myself all sorts of other challenges. Im excited!

The sun is shining more often and its very true, i fall in love with life all over again. I want to do more and more and i dont want to waste any time. But what i know is that i APPRECIATE these things. I enjoy them more than i ever would have before. And i get a huge sense of achievement from every little trip we take together. Life is too short to keep putting things off and i need to remember this. Looking forward to a fun filled productive year!

How not to cope in an emergency!

I dreaded writing this post. But i am always honest on here, and although I'm sure some may pass judgement, i felt it was important to tell the story.

I realise more and more that agoraphobia can be a very selfish condition. We need to make decisions to suit ourselves. We avoid certain tasks, days out, meetings etc to 'save ourselves', but be very sure this isn't what we want! Yes, to an outsider it may look 'lazy' or completely selfish, but believe me, avoidance is not something we enjoy, and we would much rather be living life along with the 'normal' people out there.

I have questioned many times, would i continue to avoid doing something in extreme circumstances? What if , god forbid, one of my immediate family was to die. Would i gather ever fiber of strength and courage and attend a funeral? Out of respect, grief, love, and to support my other family members. Ive always assured myself that I would. I would have to. I remember my fiance saying that if he died, i wouldn't be at his funeral. I was disgusted, 'Don't be so stupid!!! OF COURSE I WOULD BE' (cheery subject eh, and i still say id be there). But the reality is, it is quite amazing just how much we can avoid.

I always remember talking to an agoraphobic mother who couldn't walk across a street. In fact, she doesn't really walk more than 5 steps from her car, her safety net. I asked her what she would do if she was standing in a street and seen her daughter wander off onto the road. Theres a car coming. Would she act first and think later? Would she run down that street and grab her daughter, taking her out of harms way? I wasn't a mother myself at the time, and i assumed her answer would be simple, 'Well of course id just run and get her, it would be automatic', but instead she told me she didn't think she could do it, and would call for her husband instead. I remember i judged her. And i might be wrong, but i still think that in that situation she probably WOULD act first and think later, but it brings me to my own story.

It was a few weeks ago now and Nathan hadn't been feeling too well. I was totally exhausted after a couple of days of nursing him, lack of sleep and everything else having a sick child entails. I hadn't even had time for a shower as he just wanted to lie on top of me most of the time. So i got him wrapped up and decided to take him for a walk. My mum joined us and we noticed Nathan was drifting off to sleep and so she suggested that she would keep an eye on him, if i wanted to have a shower and even nap for an hour. God bless grandparents!

I didn't hesitate. I had a loooong soak in the bath and climbed into bed, secretly hoping for more than an hour. I woke up a couple of hours later feeling a little better but got into a panic when i noticed I had several missed calls and text messages from my mum. I called her immediately and was filled with dread when she told me that 'Nathan isn't right at all Lynn. Hes gotten worse and his breathing isn't right. I'm really worried and i think he needs to go to hospital'.

Well i felt sick, but again i calmed myself by thinking 'mother knows best, Nathans mum, ME, not his gran'. Yes he'd been poorly for a few days but i knew within myself that he was ok, and that with plenty of rest, he was going to be fine and get over it. Its just a cold!'. Shes just panicking i thought. And so i threw on my clothes and ran to check my son. I was more concerned when i seen him though. She was right, he wasn't looking too good and his breathing was definitely not normal. He was panting rapidly as though he'd just ran for miles, and his eyes looked lifeless. I called the emergency doctor and began talking through his symptoms. All the while i was getting him into his pram and racing back to my house to get him comfortable, or to see what was decided. 'How long has he been like this'? 'Check him for rashes', 'Take his temperature'. I was getting more nervous but still tried to calm myself by saying it was just a virus and they will tell me to put him to bed and give him plenty of fluids. And so i answered question after question, checked him all over, there was no rash, and then eventually the doctor asked me to put the phone to his mouth to check his breathing.

'No that isnt right at all' she said. 'I am trying to decide if i should just send you an ambulance'.
Well........ that was me, a nervous, shaking mess. An Ambulance! Seriously??? Oh my god this cannot be happening. Whats wrong with him? Is this serious? And then the little selfish agoraphobic voice kicked in. 'I don't want to go to the hospital'.

I am totally aware that the usual response to this would be to accept the ambulance and rush your child to hospital. Not giving the journey a second thought. Just get them their quick!! No matter what it takes. In the end she advised me that instead of an ambulance, i could make my way there myself. Emmm yeh ok Doc!

In hindsight, an ambulance would have been better. Id have gone it there, hidden in the back, with medical staff working with Nathan straight away, and also to help me should i need calming down lol. Circumstances that day were not ideal. I had my nephew staying, and also Nathans step brother. And so before i could leave i had to find them, as they'd gone out. Calling their mobile phoned, proved useless. Why do they never answer??? But on the plus side, Nathans dad was here and so we got him into the car immediately. It was decided that his Dad would make his way to the hospital and i would find the boys, and head to the hospital as soon as i found them. Again, in hindsight, i could have called my mum and asked her to hunt for the kids, while i headed to the hospital with my son. But that selfish little agoraphobic in me was GLAD to the excuse to stay. This is what i am ashamed of. I didn't know what was wrong with my son. I didn't know if it was serious (although i had a feeling he was ok), but i still hid. I still avoided. I am furious with myself. Nathan deserves so much better!

I started running round the streets looking for the boys, but to be honest its a bit of a blur. I was in a daze. Every inch of my body was trembling and i really didn't feel i was on this planet. I was totally gone. I called Gerry and got no answer on his mobile, which made me worse. I was imagine all sorts of horrors. But eventually he sent me a text saying they had arrived at the hospital and were waiting on the doctor. This was about 4.30pm. I text constantly, obsessively. What on earth was i going to do to stay sane while i waited for the kids to appear... and so i cleaned. Like a women possessed i cleaned!! And i tidied myself up. I might need to actually go to the hospital and so i best be prepared! And i prayed. 'Forgive me for the times i wish he would stop crying. That I said i needed a break. That i lost patience. Please just see he is ok. I will never complain again'.

Quickly i got another text. 'Lynn hes fine, you need to calm down. The doctor has checked him and they arent too worried. Put the dinner on, we will be home soon'.

Hmmm i started to relax, but of course the guilt didn't leave me. I should be there. My son needs me and i am not there. Yes he has his daddy. But its ME who pacifies him. Its me he wants. Thankfully the other 2 kids turned up and my immediate thought should have been, ok i can go now. But i didn't. I text Gerry who informed me that they would be coming home soon, and so there was no point going to the hospital. Of course i felt relief, but it still didn't feel right.

I cooked the dinner, and they still weren't home. I waited. I prepared Nathans fresh pajamas and sorted his room. They still weren't home. Eventually i received another text telling me they were in the children's ward waiting for a paediatrician. What on earth was going on? If he was ok they'd have been home by now. It was now past 7pm, his bedtime AND he hadn't eaten since lunch time. I called the hospital and spoke to the ward nurse. I ranted on about how Nathan must be starving, could they please give him something to eat, and stop trying to give him juice, when hes ill he wants milk, and not from a beaker but from a bottle. I SHOULD have been there telling them these things. Holding my boy and making sure he was ok. But i was sitting doing it via phone. And i felt like shit. No other word for it. I felt shit.

Another text 'Lynn they are going to monitor him for an hour and if he doesn't start drinking they are keeping him overnight'. Well that's that i thought. I have avoided the trip but now its inevitable. I WILL NOT leave Nathan without me over night. We have NEVER been apart at night. I wont leave him in that strange place wanting his mummy. If they tell me my son is being kept in, then i have no choice. I'm going. The agoraphobic me was saying 'how on earth are you going to get there'? 'Will you be able to relax and stay the night'? And all the unwanted thoughts were telling me i couldn't do it. But i also had my rational thoughts telling me that i would get there. I may be uncomfortable, but i will get there. And once there id do my best. Should i really be struggling, i am in a hospital so there's help available'!

I eventually got the text saying they were on their way home. It was 1am. Nathan had been gone for 9 hours! I tell myself that if i had known he would be gone for 9 hours i would have went. But would i have really? Yes had an ambulance came id have went, but after that, what would have got me there? I felt guilty, sick, useless, ashamed. You name it. But it doesnt change the fact that i wasnt there.

If i hadnt sent Nathan to the hospital at 4.30 i know i would have at some point that evening, because when i finally got him back in my arms i was quite panicked by his breathing. It was much worse and he was making a horrible noise too. In the end we were told he had bronchioitis, but that there was nothing they could do. they could give him oxygen but his oxygen levels were ok. And so it was the usual advice... bed rest and fluids. I made a bed on the floor beside his crib. I wasnt leaving his side. I watched him most of the night untill i eventually gave into sleep.

I know that i was judged. No doubt about it. My own parents judged me. The said that they truely believed that if it was concerned Nathan i would just have gone. Yeh well i had beleievd that too. And yes circumstances meant that I had excuses. I had the kids to find. From about 5.30 onwards i was told he was waiting to come home. But i know within myself that im making excuses. I should have been there. Had i not had anxiety, i would have let my mum find the boys, i would have gone to my sons side even if it meant he was released as soon as i got there.
And no matter what anyone says i will always be ashamed. And of course i worry. I worry about next time. I hope that time never comes but i have a son here. What about when hes playing football and falls awkwardly breaking his ankle. Or decides it would be interesting to push something tiny up his nose and it gets stuck. What will i do then?

It just spurs my recovery on again. I need a good kick up the ass! No more procrastining. Life is too damn short for wasting time. Get out there and get your life back. The winter slows me down, without a doubt i do much less. The spring has started to show itself now and then, and on those bright sunny days, its actually amazing how different i feel. I'm happy, cheerful and i want to do MORE. I was also struggling with Nathans lack of friends. Kids his age who he can play with and so I've become a beg a friend. I have no shame in asking a mother with a child of similar age if she would like a play date. We have had one already and have another 2 mother/toddlers lined up ha. Also i have enrolled him in 'gym joeys'. A play group which is on weekly and although its a bit out of my comfort zone and ill have all the usual obstacles to get over, we are GOING!!! I am gaining confidence again and i am excited for the months ahead. I might actually make some friends! This in itself bringing a whole lot of other problems (do i tell them about my anxiety, what about when they invite me out to somewhere that's completely beyond me. But hey ill deal with that later).

In the meantime Nathan got better. He was back to his usual crazy, happy, boisterous self within a week. And he passed his bronchiotis onto me. That's payback right there lol

Ebooks

http://www.ebay.com/itm/ws/eBayISAPI.dll?ViewItem&item=250992672599

Ive come across a few ebooks that may contain some information that you would find useful. So far they are on auction but the price is really low, if your looking for something to read :)

Agoraphobia Help Network

I like this guys thinking.

Finding a Purpose Greater than Your Fear


"I wish my life could go back to the way it was before I started having panic attacks. "I hear this statement more often than I'd like. Too many people who are trying to recover from agoraphobia make not having a panic attack their main goal. Sadly, this focus will not help you get free from agoraphobia. As a recovered agoraphobic, I completely understand why people fear panic attacks and don't want to have them. However, the fear of panic attacks is not sufficient motivation for recovery. It is just motivation for avoiding places and situations that trigger panic – and avoidance behavior, ironically, is a symptom of agoraphobia. I want to encourage you to do more than just stop the fear.

Even if you did everything in this book to successfully counter panic attacks, you would not find true freedom. You would meet your goal of returning to life before agoraphobia, but think hard for a minute, is that the life you really want?If you are like most of us, you were living a compromised lifestyle before you developed agoraphobia. Although we may not have experienced full blown panic attacks or been confined to our homes, many of us willingly confined our lives to some degree in order to feel safe. Though we might have functioned in our roles at home, work, or school, we were probably not living our lives to the fullest or maximizing our potential as human beings. We were limiting ourselves at some level, avoiding changes or challenges that we thought might cause fear.Your life after agoraphobia doesn't have to be the same as it was before. It can be better. As one who has been through agoraphobia and come out on the other side, I cannot emphasize this point enough. If you develop agoraphobia you are likely to possess vast potential. You are likely to be highly intelligent, creative, imaginative, sensitive, and analytical. You probably have a powerful imagination, high ideals, and the drive to achieve them. However, these qualities cannot find expression when you live a safe or tightly controlled life in an effort to keep a lid on your fears. Your recovery from agoraphobia is a golden opportunity to quit playing it safe.

It represents your opportunity to break free and achieve your fullest potential. But focusing on not having a panic attack won't get you there. It will just keep you worried about how to stop the next panic attack. You need a more powerful motivation for recovery and for living your life.Overcoming agoraphobia takes consistent hard work. It takes persistence in the face of discouragement. It takes believing that success if possible, even when you see no reason to believe. Overcoming agoraphobia demands courage, and courage demands a reason.You can achieve true freedom from agoraphobia and in life when you find a strong reason for it - a purpose that makes fear seem irrelevant. You can achieve true freedom when you develop a burning desire to do something that moves your focus away from the inward world of containing panic symptoms to doing something to make a difference in the world around you. As long as you are motivated by fear, whether it is fear of the next panic attack, rejection, failure, going crazy, or death, you will be more likely to experience more panic attacks than when you are motivated by a sense of purpose. Not only will purpose place your focus on something positive, but there is something about purposeful action that naturally dissolves fear. Like a firefighter entering a burning building to save a child or an Olympic athlete focused on winning a medal, fear goes away when your mind and body are absorbed in meaningful action. Put simply, a lifestyle of action is incompatible with a lifestyle of fear.A lifestyle of meaningful action begins with discovering a deep sense of purpose in life to motivate you.

When you find it you will discover, as I did, that your purpose in life will be greater than your fears. It will be greater than the fear of having a panic attack, greater than the fear of failing or being rejected, greater than the fear that you are going crazy, and greater even than the fear of death.

Click here for his website