Facebook

Hi everyone. I decided to create a Facebook page just for us!

Some of you may already use different websites to look for advice or just to talk. And so i thought we could have our own little meeting place. I know there are a few pages for agoraphobia on Facebook already, but some people dont like to have the 'agoraphobia' groups associated with their page. Then people will know we are mad right?? (just kidding).

But personally ive been invited to a few pages, and since i live in a small town where no one knows my issues, i prefer to keep it that way, and so due to 'panic attacks' or 'agoraphobia' being in the name of the group, ive rejected them. So here is a solution.

This page is in my name, and you are all welcome. Come just to be a member, to share stories, ask questions or whatever you desire.

Click HERE to join, or click the badge on the right.

Its a work in progress as i have done NOTHING on there so far, but hopefully it will get filled with useful links and info along the way.

Remember!!

Agoraphobia vs Habit

This has been playing on my mind today. I really should have worked this out a long time ago but its only recently that it's become more apparent.

So am i agoraphobic, or have i just got into the habit of living my life in a limited space?

Sure there were years when i couldn't leave the house. That was agoraphobia at its most extreme level. Not being comfortable anywhere but home, sometimes only in one room, and even when there being an anxiety filled mess. Living with parents, fear of being left alone, constant worrying, negative thinking, obsessing, panic attacks, no routine, day turned into night and lots of other stress related behaviours. Not a nice time at all.

And yet today, I'm not like that. Now i am OK. I have routine. I don't really experience anxiety at all. And if, out of the blue, i did, well I can cope with it relatively well. If someone was to watch me for 1 day i would appear completely 'normal'. I get up and prepare the breakfast, get myself and my son dressed. Decide who to visit, or if we will go for a walk. Clean the house and then head out. At some point ill go to the shops for whatever we need. And then after our day out is done we head home where i will cook the dinner, then bath, then put Nathan to bed. At points through the day they'd see me smile, looking confident or they would hear me laugh. No stress, No anxiety. No agoraphobia.

So where does the agoraphobia kick in? Well very rarely ill be driving the car and ill get stuck at a red light and my heart will have a little flutter. So i will take a few deep breaths and turn the music up. The light goes to green and I'm off, and forget all about it. Or similarly if I'm in a shop alone and stuck in a queue. But really that's about it.

But that's because i have gotten so used to my life as is it now and my routine. I don't need to face the agoraphobia because day to day, i can get to where i need to be comfortably. But the problem is, that should i need to go somewhere far, for example, if there was an emergency... well i would s**t myself. And now i am wondering if this is because of agoraphobia and thinking of past reactions. Or is it simply because I'm doing something I haven't done in a long time.

I think its a bit of both. It actually bugs me that my head no longer thinks like this.. 'Well i don't have plans for today, and Ive got some money in the bank, so how about i take Nathan swimming and then out for lunch'. 'Oh Nathans away out with his dad on Saturday so i could head into the city for some retail therapy'. I just DON'T think like that. I am much more likely to think 'well ill see who's free in my little area and then go home'. My routine and habits are so limited to the little bubble that my thoughts literally don't go beyond that. And yes, this is OK day to day, and i am utterly grateful i can even do that, because Ive experienced the other side of the coin. But I'm really wondering just how much of my fear actually exists anymore.

Yeh i can just imagine what your thinking. 'Well try it then, go head out and see where you go'. That's the point. I know i would still struggle, still be very uncomfortable when getting to a certain distance, or even panic completely, but how much of this is down to agoraphobia. or just the fact I'm doing something out of the ordinary, which in itself would get my head thinking... i shouldn't be doing this, this is not me, i should be panicking cause i would have in the past'. And it makes me think of the few times i DID need to push myself and travel beyond my comfort zone, and to be honest, when i did it i was fine. A few uncomfortable minutes here and there but nothing at all to bother about.

So for me i think its a bit of both. And the key to changing it, is doing what i always did with the agoraphobia anyway. keep going out, and keep practising. Make new habits for myself. I did this before and it bugs the hell out of me that i let that go. I used to think 'oh today ill go for lunch, or today i wanna try something a bit more adventurous'. But not now. Now my heads very much in day to day routine. One day is the same as the next and, i wonder how many of you can relate, but its HARD to change your habits when you have a child to look after. Its very difficult for me to focus 100% on pushing my boundaries when Nathan needs a nappy changing, lunch, a nap, entertained, dinner and so on and so on. Yes i know i can take him with me, and no doubt i will sometimes, but there are situations id be putting myself in where i wouldn't necessarily want him to be a witness. He doesn't need to see my panic. And of course for those of you well enough to have a job, then can you fit in your recovery around work? I know that when i worked, i dragged myself out of bed in the morning, got home afterwards and ate dinner, and then i pretty much collapsed on the couch. Maybe i just need a bit of an energy boost.

And then of course there is life. Normal everyday life can play havoc with recovery plans. I have family, they need me to do things. Baby sit, wait in for deliveries, sit and chat and discuss their problems. A house to run.. washings, dishes, cleaning. And ill be honest, I'm pretty exhausted!

So. Its time to start working on my habits. Because its pretty clear that my phobia has greatly reduced and if that's the case, then this is really the best time to get to work. In the meantime, sleep!

Trying my best

Its going to be a GREAT year

Oh dear dear my blogging etiquette has gone to pot!

I haven't even wished you guys a Happy New Year. Well, even though its 17 days late i am wishing it now. To each and every one of you. May it be a fantastic, inspiring, beautiful, love filled & exciting year.

Lets skip the depressive gloomy rubbish and think of the good things in life. If we get out of our houses and get out and embrace the world we can have a magic time. Beautiful colourful trees to be seen blowing in the breeze. The sounds of children laughing as they play. The sight to a cute little puppy out on its first walk. The 17 year old nervous girl out on her first driving lesson. A mummy and her little baby out learning to walk and the look on the child's face as it looks with amazement at his surroundings and all the new interesting things he is seeing (that's Nathan and i at the moment). If your lucky enough to live near water go out and listen to the waves, such a peaceful sound. The birds flying high singing beautifully. A young couple walking hand in hand or kissing in the street (gross lol) not caring who sees them because its the first time they have been in love and they are just buzzing.

Does it sound nice? Well i know that's the things i see when i leave my home. And instead of plodding along thinking of and noticing nothing at all, i try to see these things and appreciate them all. And they are right there within a 5 minute walk. So if i can see all these things just 5 minutes from my home then imagine just how much i can see if i go further.

This is my year to get out there and embrace the world we live in. We hear so much negativity all the time and we can forget just how beautiful our world really is. I think the more you start to look for the good out there, the more we see it. The less we notice the bad points. Believe me i live in such a crappy area (in fact it had just been given the title of the worst town in the UK) but even surrounded by all its flaws, i still see the good. And i am grateful for that. Do you do the same?

I guess its about being grateful for what we have isn't it. Imagine we lost our sight. The things that we took for granted before would seem so much more special than we ever realised. Why does it need to take losing something, before we can appreciate it?

I want to enjoy every minute. I want to live this year. Not just exist. I want to fill myself up with more happiness and more positivity than i have before. Not a bad resolution is it?

I'm going to love myself. And enjoy my little quirks. I'm not going to beat myself up and feel so much guilt for not being perfect. Who is?

I still get loads of emails from people and a lot of people will ask me the question 'Do you do this too?' When they describe some behaviour they might have, it bothers them, worries them, or makes them feel ashamed'. Well i can say yes. Any weird thought you have had, Ive probably had it too. Even that thought you think it completely mental, and if you told it to anyone they would be calling for the men in the white coats to take you away. Your not alone.

Examples

• The girl who struggles washing her hair because shes panics when she starts to shampoo it
• People who wont dye their hair as it makes them anxious
• People who wont get a tattoo because they wont be able to rub it off once its done
• Imagining bad scenarios. Car crashes, being attacked
• Feeling nervous when someone moves furniture
• The fear that this is all a dream
• Small irrational things sending you into panic. Things that shouldnt matter (Marie breaking your bin and panicking cause it was broken and could not be fixed).

Ok not the finest examples (certainly not extreme ones) but all things i have heard of, and what im trying to show is that we all have these thoughts. But we are special, because we TALK about it. I imagine everyone in life has these kind of thoughts playing out in their head, but we are more sensative souls so we are more aware of them. Sometimes it can be hard not to be bothered by them. And we wish they would all go away and we could just be NORMAL!! But i embrace my mental quirky side. It just makes me more interesting lol. It just makes me more convinced that 'agoraphobic' isnt the best label. I think we are all just sensative and anxious. And it affects us all in different ways. Unfortunately it leaves some of us scared to travel, or leave home, or walk through wide open spaces. But in the first 3 examples its all about fear of losing control, so theres more going on with us than just whats outsides of our homes. We all have other issues. And sooooo.... as well as embracing life, pushing the boundaries etc this year, i will be facing the control issue.

A small example... i like to have a little suntan going on. But its winter and its Scotland so that aint happening. So yesterday i reached for the bottle of fake tan and i felt a little wobble. I felt i didnt want to put it on because if i didnt like it, im stuck with it and i cant scrub it off. And so i might panic. So the control issue. I dunno why i felt that way. But i could have just avoided doing it, but for god sake why should i? Ive avoided enough and so i slapped it on not caring if i ended up like an oompa loompa. If i panicked then id work through it but lets face it, would i panic... probably not! (im aware that this is another very weak example but im trying to focus on the little issues we can face that wouldnt automatically be associated with agoraphobia). All this avoidance left me a nervous little wreck in the past and so although this might be minor, its all these little battles that make us a little bit stronger each time confronted.

And so a late happy new year and all the best. Lots of love and positive energy to all of you. Why dont we make a plan for the year ahead? Hmmm I could possibly write some ideas in my next post. And I really need to sort out links for available downloads soon. Oh and also this year no more procrastinating haha.

MERRY CHRISTMAS EVERYONE

I'm on to wish you all a Merry and Fabulous Christmas as i don't think ill have a chance to get on before then.

I hope you are all in good spirits, looking forward to the get togethers, dinner and gifts. I truly hope you are all calm and can relax over the holidays and just enjoy this time. No fretting or anxiety. If some of you are stressing about journeys you need to make or things you need to attend, then i send you my most positive thoughts and remind you that you can do it.


As for me, well I've been working really hard on pushing my boundaries and while there have been some failures, there have also been many successes. To be fair theres only been on failure but I'm not dwelling on it too much. Briefly i will explain.

An early Christmas dinner was booked for 7 of us at a restaurant. It was brought to my attention more than once that it had been booked at a location JUST for me, so that I could be there. Whenever people discussed the plans i assured them I would be there. I didn't once allow myself to think it wasn't going to happen. I listened to relaxation Cd's, i worked on my breathing, i visualised the journey over and over again. And when thinking about going i felt ok, whereas in the past id have been nervous for days before it. And so i was gutted when i got in the car to drive to the restaurant and felt the old familiar anxiety kicking in with a little bit of nausea chucked in too. Circumstances on the day weren't ideal and so i backed out. I realised i wasn't doing this meal for me. I was doing it for everyone else. I wanted to be excited about it, and look forward to it, but it didn't happen. I was scared to say no to it, scared of the total disappointment and guilt id feel when i went home having failed. But i was fine. It just wasn't the right time and I know i will eventually be back in the situation where i WILL do it.

And although i did look at this as a down point, there are a lot of things that are now achievable again that weren't for a while. I'm walking much further, I'm driving further. I'm making appointments and sticking to them. I'm going to the supermarket on my own. Making plans with friends. And these things have been done with little or no anxiety at all. This is down to practice, not avoiding AND my little helper Rashelle.

Another achievement which might not seem much, was Nathans 1st birthday. I THOUGHT it would be less hassle to have it at home. I THOUGHT it would be a quiet affair with close family and so i THOUGHT it made more sense than to book some venue when he wouldn't have a clue what was going on. In the end Nathans party had over 20 guests (which doesn't sound much but looks VERY busy in my small living room). It took me 3 days of organising the house. Decorating the place with balloons and banners, shopping and providing a huge buffet, not to mention pres ants and of course the cake. And while this might usually be easy, it was rather stressful doing it with no help and Nathan constantly by my side demanding my attention. I never realised that by throwing the party it meant i never really got to enjoy it. I never stopped! Giving drinks, food, more coffee, cake etc etc. I had to make sure my guests were happy, which they were, but the whole things a bit of a blur to me. In the end though everyone had an amazing time and felt extremely proud of myself. I did all that all on my own. This a girl who used to be cowering in a bedroom in her parents house, scared to be left on her own for 5 minutes for fear of a total panic attack breakdown.



Following the party i then took Nathan to watch my nephew in his school Christmas concert. Sitting in a huge hall surrounded by hundreds of people i was proud to be there with my son. To do something 'christmassy' together. It got me in good spirits and it was more evidence of my improvements because a few weeks ago I'm not sure if i would have faced that, but I'm doing my best not to avoid things so much (minus the restaurant).

So as the party ended my focus moved to the next event. Christmas. Well it can be pretty easy for an agoraphobic to do Christmas shopping, as practically every shop has a website now. So that's never really posed a problem anyway. Yeh of course i do miss walking around the city centre, seeing the Christmas lights and hearing the Christmas songs playing from shop to shop. But hey who needs to stomp around in the freezing cold, wait in queues and fight with people over the last 'must have toy' on the shelf? That was always my excuse when i got invited shopping and to be honest i think id still do most of it online even if i could get out there. But anyway, with gifts easily ordered i decided to step up and offer my mother a break this year. Every year since, well every year since i can remember, my mum has cooked Christmas dinner. she never gets to sit and enjoy a meal cooked for her, shes harassed and tired and i figured she deserved to properly enjoy it for once. So Christmas dinner is at my house this year. I'm only cooking for 5 but considering Ive never cooked a Turkey this could be an interesting challenge. And again cooking it with Nathan wrapped around my legs should be fun too. But hey these are the joys of motherhood and i love it.

I very vividly remember a Christmas where i was an anxious wreck. Taking panic attacks throughout the day i couldn't even have my meal. Instead i was sat on the sofa beside the dining table, watching everyone else. Theres video footage of that Christmas and I'm sitting biting my nails with huge frightened eyes. Its so sad to see and i remember it clearly, but i feel i can say i KNOW that will never happen again. I think that was my first year of panic attacks actually so it was all so new and scary, now i feel like a veteran.

I'm all organised now. Ive got in all the food, the table is ready to be set. Nathans gifts are all wrapped and ready to be laid out. All i need to do now is cook. But i hope it goes well and i can give my mum an amazing day, and i hope my OCD with the cleaning can take a back seat for a while because already I'm dreading the dishes this meal is going to create (i MUST chill out!!!)

Well i suppose i should get off and head to bed. Its Christmas eve tomorrow and i am going to offer my gift wrapping services to my mum, who unlike me hasn't wrapped a thing. I really wish you all the best and if ANYONE is having the anxious not so good Christmas then please feel free to get in touch. x x x

HAPPY 1ST BIRTHDAY

To my beautiful, bright and amazing little boy Nathan.

Cannot believe its been a year but we managed to get through it in one piece. I look forward to many, many more. I am extremely lucky

I Love you Nathan x x x