Please excuse my lack of posting. You see.... Ive been living! After all the crap I went through I finally realised... Our thoughts are unreal. And im ready to have a life. Because these negative thoughts and all our doubts aren't our reality at all. I have spent years avoiding, years worrying, and although anxiety is meant to protect us, when you have it in excess it actually does the opposite. I have avoided life for so long. In fear of what?? A panic attack. So now im saying 'so what if I panic' I will stay put. I will calm myself and I will continue with living. I wont run away and hide at home because it snowballs and creates so many more problems! Not content with anxiety I faced many other issues like separation anxiety, low self esteem, guilt over Nathan. I had to be in control of everything to the extent that I wouldn't dye my hair for the fear I couldn't change it immediately if I didn't like it. I wouldn't take pain medication, in fear that it made me 'feel weird' Honestly I could write a book. But enough is enough. Slowly I have started to challenge every single thought and fear and I have learned that my heads been lying. All the catastrophes I expected never happened. All the worst case scenarios was fantasy. Instead, over the last 5 months I have travelled further than I have in over 10 years. I have went to places I never thought id visit again. And ive managed to do a lot of it alone! Because instead of saying 'Noooo I wont do that. I cant!' ive said ... 'Im doing it. Whats the worst that can happen? And should the worst happen then ill deal with that too. but im not gonna sit around here doing nothing. I used to avoid walking far from my car, my safety, but now I just do it. Im not feeding these silly thoughts. Obviously at first it was hard but im surprised at how quickly ive progressed and how freeing it feels. Suddenly your in the moment instead of constantly being 10 minutes ahead forseeing all kinds of crazy unrealistic scenarios. Instead of taking the short cuts ill go the long route. If I have a feeling inside of 'today I don't want to go to the next town' then ill make sure that's the day that I do exactly that. Because I KNOW I have it in me to cope in these situations. We all do! We just need to start believing it.
I understand anxiety. I understand my own mind. I know why I feel the way I do, when I do. And this is very early into recovery. At least I think its recovery. I know I might relapse. I know ill have dark days and that's ok! I know im determind and stubborn and strong and if setbacks come, ill just keep on pushing. Nathan and I have done more in the last 5 months than we ever did in 4 years. We used to get in the car and if I drove for more than 5 minutes he would say 'Mummy your going far' He had already learned that mummy didn't do as much as the rest of his family. He doesn't say that when we are driving now. He used to tell me he would like to go to certain places and he would tell me who would be taking him there. He knew mummy wouldn't. But now its always me who does these things. Today I went into town and bought him his first school uniform. In the past that job wouldn't have been done between my mum and online shopping. We go to the park, swimming, restaurants, play areas. And we have fun! As a little reward I have booked myself into a spa next weekend with my friend Karen. Karen has been in my position too and we actually met when she read my blog! Karen and I are going to stay in a very fancy rather posh hotel. We will have a 3 course luxurious dinner and we will spend the rest of the time in the spa having massages, going for a swim or a sauna. We will stay the night in the deluxe rooms and we will have a little drink, toasting ourselves and our hard work. Im nervous as its a distance I haven't travelled yet, but I have no doubt that I will make it.
I have decided with Karen that Instead of a 'Bucket List' We will be writing a (forgive me) 'fuck it' list. We will take on challenges that we never ever imagined we would be able to do. Clay pigeon shooting, paintballing, posh hotels, tattoos, snowboarding... all kind of random acts because these were things we just never had the guts to do. We missed so many years while our friends gained new experiences, travelled abroad etc, while we sat at home with anxiety. And so im sorry that I've been quiet... and I will update in much more detail soon xxx