The other night when i wrote my blog I wasn't very happy with it.
I thought it sounded negative. Maybe it didn't but i definitely felt negative! Since then I have really pushed myself and had a busy couple of days.
I have ran lots of errands and I'm happy to say that Gerry and I went to the cinema. Admittedly i did dread it at first but in the end I had a lovely night and really enjoyed myself. When we got home I told him what the trip was really like for me. On the outside I looked happy and relaxed but on the inside it was totally different. Probably for the first 45 minutes of the movie i have having really negative thoughts. My head was a roller coaster of 'What if i panic', 'Gerry will have to carry me to the car', 'What if i totally freak out and can't make it stop', 'oh no i need to drive home from here' etc etc. It didn't scare me, just really annoyed me. I was trying to watch a movie and this little niggle in my head was just inconvenient. I ignored the thoughts because I knew they were completely irrational. So what if I did panic? I knew I would be totally fine and that it would pass. My driving lessons have proved this. I have been much further from home that the cinema, panicked, and then been ok! Then something inside me just clicked into place and I completely relaxed. No more thoughts, just watched the end of the movie. (which was Jennifer's Body and just average).
As always I have been to the gym, and today I had a doctors appointment. Feeling much more upbeat i headed to the doctors where i was due to meet my mum. Mum wasn't there. I do lots of things on my own, so i wasn't too worried. From there I went to the library to pick up some books. The anxiety hit me in there. The thoughts. Awww how annoying! I ignored them again and although I wanted to leave and go to the car I refused to allow it and continued looking for a good book.
Finally tonight Gerry and I went to get some take away food for dinner. I was driving this time. it was already dark out, and I managed to drive into a massive hole in the road. Gerry had a nice moan but I didn't see the big deal. 'It will wreck your wheels' he was saying. 'Whatever' i thought. We drove to the restaurant and then got back in the car to head home. My car felt very strange. If i had been on my own i would have just kept on driving. Just shows how much I know about cars. Gerry knew the probably immediately that I had a flat tyre! When he told me the problem I just kept on driving until he explained that i couldn't DRIVE the car any further...
Well isn't that just an agoraphobics dream? Fantastic. We were stranded. Gerry started pottering about in the boot looking for a Jack and getting out my spare tyre. Oh yeah, i forgot those were there and that they are used on this occasion. So basically I am stuck in a car park, in the dark, in the rain, with no way top get home and I need to stand here while he changes a tyre....'HOW LONG IS THAT GONNA TAKE'. Gerry and I had a few minutes of screaming at each other. Him blaming me for my rubbish driving and me screaming because?? I don't know, because it was my idea of hell i suppose. I ran over my options. Phone my dad and ask him to come get us, which would leave my car there. Or phone a taxi. I decided I would wait with Gerry while he seen to the tyre. I was actually really calm. Only a few times did I think 'oh crap this is so not ideal' but i was ok really. Now most of you will know the name of the thing that you use to unscrew the nuts on the wheel, i don't, but anyway, mines was rubbish and wouldn't work so i had to call my dad. At this point my mum answered and in a flash of anxiety I had a go at her. It went a bit like this.
Me - Mum can you get Dad, i have broken down
Mum - Oh your kidding, have you really
Me- (anxiety starts) YES REALLY can you get dad
Mum - What happened?
Me - Mum can you just get dad please, i need him to come pick us up
Mum - Oh i don't know, your dads a bit busy at the moment and hes not in a good mood
Me - (anxiety risen) I DON'T GIVE A **** WHAT MOOD HE IS IN CAN YOU JUST GET HIM AND TELL HIM TO HURRY BECAUSE GERRY IS DRIVING ME CRAZY AND I NEED PICKED UP!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Dad came, type still couldn't be fixed. Got driven home. Went straight in and apologised to my mother and explained that I lost it due to anxiety. We had our food and then headed back down with the proper tools. Tyre changed and home safe and sound.
A couple of days in the life of an agoraphobic. Fun times.