After my tarot reading on Friday I had a very quiet weekend. We are having the most horrendous weather here at the moment and Gerry was doing overtime on 'Flood watch' so i basically stayed at home with my nephews. Nice and relaxing.
On Monday i was back into my routine, sleep, gym, shops, home, dinner, maybe see Gerry. This i can cope with. This is normality for me at the moment. Remember I was saying that I don't really like to do things in the spur of the moment, how i like to plan things? Well Gerry rung me as I arrived at the gym on Monday and told me we were going for a drive. Yes, he TOLD me. Well being told what to do doesn't really bode to well with me. I need time to mentally prepare, so a big old domestic soon kicked off. I point blank refused to go for a drive. I told him that i had already made plans and I wasn't about to jump just because Gerry had decided he fancied a drive.
Sometimes i think i must sound like a total bitch. Poor Gerry. A year and a half he has put up with this crap and yet somehow hes still here. Anyway, on Monday night i took time to reflect and i felt utterly miserable. How frustrating that I want so much more out of life but just cant do it yet. The easy answer to that would be..... well just do it then! But it ain't that easy, as you know. I decided a bold gesture was needed. I text Gerry and told him that I would go and stay over night at his house this Saturday. I figured if i mentally prepared myself I just might cope. Yeh i knew that I may panic, but told myself that even if i did, i would ride it out. I also prepared Gerry for all the eventualities. I told him that if i really couldn't calm myself and HAD to leave then he must drive me home immediately. I explained that I may have to go into another room and be on my own and that i might be really rotten company. But Gerry was delighted, excited and talked about what we would do, what he would cook. I don't think I have really seen him so eager for any anything. All the while i was getting more and more nervous and telling myself that i could not let him down. I actually got really upset when i imagined telling him I wouldn't be able to go.
Tonight it is now Wednesday and its cinema night for Gerry and I. For the past 3 weeks we have gone to the cinema and each time we have seen a random movie that neither of us has been that bothered about but this week we finally had a movie we both wanted to see, 'New Moon'. The sequel to 'Twilight' looked quite good so we set off to the cinema and I was pretty happy. We got inside and found our seats and i was still nice and calm but prepared myself for the crazy thoughts to eventually come. I hoped that i would be so into the movie this time that i wouldn't even have those thoughts, but that wasn't the case. The thoughts came, the usual ones where i imagined panicking etc, but i sat in my seat and focused on the movie. Then the sweaty palms begin... hmmm OK lovely, eyes on the movie. Heart begins to pound!...Ok this is new, it hasn't gotten this bad in previous weeks. Panic Attack... and breathe. Now was a good time for me to go to the loo. I told Gerry i felt unwell and was going to try calm myself. I went into the loo's feeling very dizzy and that detached feeling was taking over, you know when nothing seems quite real. I ran my hands and wrists under the cold tap.... and breathe.
Feeling slightly less panicked I still didn't want to go back into the room yet. I needed to come down some more. So i went outside and had a cigarette. I looked at my car and reminded myself that if i really wanted to leave, i would be home quick enough. Still not quite calm i phoned a friend and as we chatted i seemed to come back to earth a little. I was aware though that i was taking quite a while by now and Gerry must have been wondering where I was. I stood in the lobby and chatted some more until i seen Gerry looking for me. Oops. This is exactly what I didn't want. I was annoyed at myself for missing the movie but no way did I want Gerry to miss out. Sadly Gerry didn't want to sit and watch it alone and said we would be as well just leaving.
The problem with leaving, was that I have constantly told myself that if i am anxious, i will ride it out. That the worst thing to do is flee the situation. That will only make it hard to face when u want to go back to that place. The other problem with leaving was the guilt. The guilt of causing Gerry to miss the movie. Well i think those thoughts were too much for my already anxious brain to handle. Panic didn't slowly rise from 1 to 10 this time. It hit me full on with a 10 on the arrghh scale. Gerry went to the loo and it flipped between a 9 and a 10 but never went below that. I was at the stage where if he didn't hurry up i was gonna have to shout on him.... no SCREAM on him!
He appeared phew and i marched to the car. Do i drive/do i let him drive/can i drive/what if its worse as i drive/i might crash/ will he drive quickly enough. I threw him the keys. He drove home at the speed limit but while in the passenger seat i composed myself. I realised that in a whole year and a half, Gerry had never seen me panic like this. It wasn't fun at all. I got home and settled quite quickly but the guilt remains. And i cant help being totally disappointed with myself. I haven't given up before but i know i have never panicked so severely recently.
Its just not funny anymore! How loooong is this process?? A year now i have been battling away. I try to remind myself just how far i have come but really its a struggle. 28 years of age and I am living with my parents. I don't want to be in this house. I want to be with Gerry, in our own place. Living our lives together. I am so frustrated but i am grateful for the frustration at times. In the past I wouldnt have had these ambitions, and i was happy to sit in my room week after week, year after year. But now i WANT a life. And i used to tell myself, so what if you panic, it will pass and you will stick it out. But tonight i didn't stick it out. Tonight my head was filled with total urgency. MOVE. NOW. MUST. GET. HOME!
And so Saturday night at Gerry's place is off for now :(. I just don't think its a good idea. I don't want to scare myself and end up suffering weeks of anxiety. I think i need to go back to the 'baby steps' approach. I was so scared about telling him and letting him down. I even feared he would call the whole relationship off. I just felt that I managed to JUST keep myself together tonight knowing that I could be home relatively quickly, but know i wouldn't cope quite as well being at Gerry's which is about 4 times further away than the cinema. And so i text him the bad news, asked him if he wanted to leave me and braced myself for tears.....
'I will never leave you Lynn. I love you. We will do this in stages and get there eventually'
So I cried anyway ha.