Today has been a productive one and i am feeling very pleased with myself.
A typical day lately has involved me waking up, grabbing breakfast then lying in bed on the internet all day. As i wrote in my last post this was starting to get to me and getting out seemed to be a worrying thought (more so that usual)
But today was different. I slept so much yesterday that today i literally couldnt sleep anymore. So i woke up bright and early to an empty house and got myself dressed. Cleaned the house from top to bottom and decided to sit in the garden. For once it was a lovely sunny day so i was happy getting some fresh air. Unfortunately i had ran out of cigarettes. I know, i know smoking is bad for you blah blah but at the moment thats the least of my worries.
Anyway i was sitting thinking of all the ways i could get some cigarettes. I could phone a neighbour, i could phone a cab and get them to bring me some (it has been known in the past). Eventually i called a neighbour who is my mums best friend. She said she had some spare so i walked over to her house and got them... felt quite pleased with myself about that. When i was there she told me that she planned to go to the shops at 2.00 and wondered if i would walk with her. To be honest i couldnt see this happening but i said i would give it a go.
So back in the garden i was still thinking about cigarettes and remembered that their is an ice cream van that goes to the local school at lunchtime. Since the vans in scotland sell cigarettes i decided to attempt to walk there and see if i could get them this way. The school is much closer than the shops so this was the easier option. I went to the van surrounded by kids and felt fine. But was told they dont sell cigarettes!! Argh annoying!!
It was approching 2.00 and my neighbour Jean arrived. Jean broke her wrist 2 weeks ago and has her arm in plaster so this was her first attempt at walking along to our local shops for some bits and pieces she needed. I told her i would TRY and make it... but it might not happen.
So we walked and talked... and the shops were getting closer. A couple of time i had negative thoughts. Visualised myself panicking etc. But i kept on going and chatting and distracting myself. Jean likes to talk and a couple of times we stopped to chat to passers by. I wanted to tell her to move her arse but i waited patiently. Then i was at the shops!! YEY ME!!!
Since Jeans wrist is broken i suddenly became her carer. I went to the cash machine and lifted the money she needed. I got her the grocerys she was after, and paid for them while she stood chatting again. I got myself some things i needed, you know essentials like magazines and finally the cigarettes hah. Having everything we needed we could have left.. but oh no i decided to go into a little shop that sells used books and other bits. Got myself some books and a little present for Jean. Then we walked home. Once we got to my house Jean said her goodbyes but i was still in carer mode and decided to walk her home. I got her home safely and sorted her bags in her kitchen then walked home slowley alone.
How happy am i???? VERY
I knew when the better weather came i would make improvemnts and today has given me the little boost i needed. Also at home ive generally been coping better with anxiety. I havent actually been anxious much at all. I get very paranoid about my breathing at times and sometimes i cant take a full breath. In the past this would have me panicking, even hyperventalating. But im fine with it now. Also Lukes back in hospital (nothing serious thank goodness) so my parents have been away a lot, including at night. But i have been cool with it. Ive always been fine alone but not so comfortable at night, thankfully this has gotten easier and i am quite content having the place to myself.
So there you go... Good positive news!!! Jean and i are going to walk to the shops together everyday. She needs the support since shes working with one hand, and i like to have someone there to give me a push sometimes. So its all worked out well :) xxx
Monday, 31 March 2008
Today has been a productive one and i am feeling very pleased with myself.
Monday, 24 March 2008
Tuesday, 11 March 2008
My friend and i were talking the other night about our dreams and how they are affected by our agoraphobia.
In my dreams i am always out and really far from home. I am aware that i am not panicking and i feeling completely calm. I also feel excited and i'm telling myself that if i panic it is fine and i will not run, i will stay where i am and i will be ok. These dreams started last year and seemed to affect me when i was awake, i felt more relaxed and able to challange this. I just find it interesting to hear other people's experiences.
Last night i had a dream and a man approaches me and said '3 years'. When i asked what he meant he explained that i will be better in 3 years. I'm not niave i know it was just a dream and doesn't mean anything but wouldnt it be nice haha.
Monday, 10 March 2008
The past week has been great. I have spent the majority of it with Luke, making up for the past month without him. We haven't done a lot as Luke is still recovering from his operation but just having him here has been fantastic. Anyone with kids will know that they keep you very busy which can be great for me as a distraction from anxiety, but also not so good in that i have had no time to read any of my congnative behavioural therapy books! So once again i feel like im not exactly on schedule. Also being more busy then usual has meant i have been really tired and at night when i go to bed i am exhausted and really not in the right frame of mind to 'study'.
Anyway... Unfortunately i have had a few anxious moments but these happened on the one night Luke wasn't here. I was in bed and it was late at night. I had spent the day totally relaxing from the previous week's mayhem and i think maybe everything just caught up with me. The strange thing was that the panic was different. It started with my heart. Usually my panic attacks begin with the awful churning in my stomach but this time i was experiencing chest pains. I found it really strange as i had been completely relaxed, i was chatting to friends on line and then it hit me. I felt the pains (which were only mild) and my heart began to flutter. Then the sweat was literally pouring from my hands and feet. Thankfully i told myself that this is just anxiety. And it past really quickly. It was enough to give me a scare though.
The next morning i woke up and panicked immediately. Morning panic attacks don't seem to scare me as much. I understand that it's my body just waking and warming itself up again, and the anxiety usually passes within ten minutes or so.
The fact that it happened twice made me edgy over the next few days but i have actually been ok with it. Even now as i write this i can feel my chest tighten and can feel a strange numbness in my left arm. Oh and not forgetting the sweaty hands! In the past this would have sent me into a frenzy and i would be convinced i was about to have a heart attack, but im ok. It's not pleasant ha and i would much rather not have it but i know it will probably be gone in half an hour. Anxiety!... Nightmare!!!
Luke is going back to school tomorrow and i have my days back to focus on me. I am feeling guilty now that i haven't read my books or ventured far from home, but i also know that i've felt stuck in a rut so many times before and always got out of it eventually. Even if i was to walk to the bottom of my street at some point that would give me a sense of achievement. So for the rest of the week i will be focusing on making a bit more progress.
Apart from the anxiety the week was also filled with visits from friends and of course spending time with Chris, so as much as the panic attacks weren't great i do feel it has been a positive time. My day has had more structure. I have been sleeping better as i have been busier and my diet is still going strong. I hope this post finds you all well...and relaxed. And i wanna say Well done to my fellow agoraphobic friend who managed to over come her anxiety to attend a christening where she was god mother.
Saturday, 1 March 2008
LUKE IS HOME!!!!!
I am so happy it's unreal. I won;t be seeing him till the morning but i know when i do i will feel like a huge weight has been lifted. He's gone home to his own house tonight to be with his new Baby Sister Charis shown below.
So Welcome Home to them both