Thursday, 27 November 2008

Difficult Drive

I am sitting here crying after what i would say was a horrible ordeal. Ok, maybe 'ordeal' is a bit strong but i will describe it anyway.

My boyfriend appeared as i was having a lie down. All the walking i have been doing lately is making me tired as my body isnt used to it. So i was lying relaxing after a busy and in my opinion successful day out. He arrived and since it is raining suggested that we go out in the car instead. I havent been on a long car journey in years. I know that a lot of agoraphobics can handle car journeys, but not walk much. I seem to be the other way around. I am never in a car. Anyway i had told him that i am up for trying the car now, my confidence has been building lately and felt i was ready to take on the challange.

I tried to explain how it would work, i need someone to be patient and support me, even if it means driving up and down my street just to get used to it. Right from the word go he was angry with me, saying i didnt trust him, he was shouting and this was BEFORE we got in the car.

In the car he shouted at me through clenched teeth telling me i am not trying at all. 'You are a 27 year old girl, it is time to get your life back'. We drove. As he drove he shouted and screamed. I looked out of the window and cried. I got further than i expected but eventually told him to turn back. He drove me home and we made off on the journey again. Again i was ok.... but when reaching my limit told him to turn back. As i write this my head is pounding so im not totally sure what he was shouting about but mostly it was about how im not trying enough, he said i couldnt go back home as we had only been out for 5 minutes. He said i need to keep driving to that point untill it doesnt scare me, and then go further. I totally agree with this....but how can you do it when someone is screaming at you??

Third time we drove there again and when i asked him to turn back instead of go further he lost it. 'So much for ******* progress'. I asked him not to speak to me like a piece of s*** and he told me to stop acting like it.

He dropped me at my house and said he didnt want to come in and sit around with me. His parting words were 'Go on... run along and sit in your bedroom because thats all your life will ever come to'.

So im drained. I wont let that happen to me. I KNOW i am doing well, and even though tonight was horrible i still did good. I am angry that someone could be that way. Im sure its frustrating for him but i dont think thats any excuse. Don't let anyone ruin your successes. I dont think he realised how much damage he could have caused tonight. I could not associate being in a car with fear, being upset and someone shouting at me. Hardly makes me want to run out and do it again. But i wont let that happen. Next time i just wont be with him.


Robert said...

If he doesn't apologise - soon - it's time to look for someone else. Don't settle for a bully - you deserve better. Lots better!

You're doing well (on your own!). Congrats!

PS, Wonderful accent.

Lynn said...

Thanks Robert. Thats interesting, i never thought of it as bullying but someone else has said the same thing. Certainly makes you re-evalute things.

diver said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
diver said...

Sigh. Surely he'll turn up inside 24 hours on his knees with an apology? Surely he was just in a mood and will totally regret that tirade of insensitivity, discouragement and abuse?

I've been reading your blog all year Lynn, watching your excellent progress with managing your condition. I've said it before: I think agoraphobia treatment is all about 'management' not cure. It's about learning what our comfort zone is and then learning to work with and within it, not pushing the boundaries in order to live up to anyone else's expectations.

I guess misunderstandings abounded and you just got bullied out of your comfort zone today. It's spilled milk now of course, but you'll no doubt learn from the experience and maybe not to let it happen again.

Lynn said...

I have learned from it. It is hard enough to hand over the control to someone else but when they react like that it makes it all the more difficult. Today however i am still feeling positive and proud of my achievements. I am not going to let that bring me down. I know he was wrong. At this moment in time i am not even speaking to him hah. He can have a good think about what he done and hopefully realise how wrong it was. I am now all dressed and heading out alone for a walk, which i will enjoy. After all its down to me now. :)

Sarah♥ said...

I lived with an abusive man for 6 years and i can honestly say, its done me no favours!


Michelle said...

You know, I became agor when my husband at the time was being a total jerk to me when we were driving from New York to Texas. I started freaking out in the car, the situation escalated, and 15 YEARS LATER I still can't go anywhere in the car without major tranquilizers.

So I think that was just a totally horrible thing, what happened to you. Today, I am married to a man who accepts me for who I am. He doesn't pressure me to do stuff, which frees me up to go further and further. We're actually going on a vacation in a week! I couldn't have done that without his support.

Please be careful who you decide to be with. I've found that the stress of an unhappy relationship can actually trigger this stuff. No way will it cure it.

Btw, I found your blog via Robert.